


Oblivious

by azuyaraven



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:42:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24206887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azuyaraven/pseuds/azuyaraven
Summary: "There is one thing that Jeno is sure of in life, and that is he and Jaemin will end up together. End game. They are each other’s end game. From the first day when two awkward boys entered SM building merely few hours away, even fate has declared that they are meant to be. And what is Jeno, to go against Fate?"OrThe mini diary of Jeno and Jaemin going against themselves to be together.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 79
Collections: NOMIN FAN WEEK





	Oblivious

**Author's Note:**

> I write this as a self-indulgence fic, so feelings trump quality. If it was bad, I'm sorry :(

There is one thing that Jeno is sure of in life, and that is he and Jaemin will end up together. End game. They are each other’s end game. From the first day when two awkward boys entered SM building merely few hours away, even fate has declared that they are meant to be. And what is Jeno, to go against Fate?

_It also helps that Jeno finds Jaemin incredibly attractive. It never hurts to have a hot soulmate anyway._

So Jeno is always confident, even though Jaemin is always playfully affectionate to everyone, members, managers, cordis… It’s his way to show adoration, and whatever Jeno and Jaemin have are more special. Even when Jaemin stayed away for a year and a half, and their only mode of communication was Facetime between shows and practice, it’s still special. Like when they are together, they would go with a little more fairy, butt-of-Tinkerbell dusts that are exclusive Nomin™. Jeno never has a reason to be doubtful.

And yet when Jaemin returned, in all of his new found glory, and attractive turned into H.O.T., Jeno was still in full belief, but in the back of his mind, a lingering feeling of uneasiness started poking just a bit.

You see, Na Jaemin is not officially his. Yet.

****

At first it was the bracelet. The thing about Jaemin is that he likes to express himself through the things he collects. He’s already had a shoe cabinet that’s bigger than all the six of them combined, a wide variety of plushies on his desk and under his bed, and his most important possessions – the bracelets. Jeno didn’t notice it at first either, assuming the silver band on Jaemin’s wrist was just another addition to his collection. But then he saw something else.

A very similar looking band in gold tone on Renjun’s wrist.

Sharing similar, couple things is nothing new with Dreamies, and especially Jaemin. Even Jeno and Jaemin shares couple bags, not to mention shoes and T-shirts. It’s just friend thing, really. But something about this bracelet irked Jeno. Mostly because it appeared far too often on the arms of his beloved.

Jeno wanted to ask questions.

_What is this? What does it mean? Why do you have couple bracelets with Renjun and not me? Why do you look like you enjoy it so much Jaemin-ah? Jaemin why? Jaemin?_

When his head started to chant Jaemin’s name repeatedly like a weird mantra, Jeno stopped his thoughts and decided to ask Renjun.

“That bracelet looks nice, where did you get it?”

Renjun, the ever knowing, the forever brain of NCT Dream, laughed right back at Jeno, mischievousness evident in his tone.

“Why don’t you just ask Jaeminnie”

_He is busy with practice and I don’t want to bother him. I know he is struggling to keep up, I don’t need to sound like a whiny ass._

“Nah it’s ok, I’m just curious.”

Renjun threw him a face that mixed between understanding and pure mockery, but he didn’t press the issue further. Luckily, the boy was rarely seen with said bracelet again.

Jaemin on the other hand, Jaemin never stops. The silver band still glistens brightly on his wrist every now and then.

And Jeno started to think, that _his_ Jaemin can be quite oblivious.

And that whatever Jeno thought they had, it was all in his head.

****

It was 2 in the afternoon when Jeno woke up and felt his stomach grumble, demanding immediate attention. They just had a late practice the previous night, and Hyuck’s until-dawn-Overwatch-session surely didn’t help. Tired and groggy, Jeno dealt with the situation the only way he knows how – by stumbling upon Jaemin’s room.

Jisung was nowhere to be seen, probably off somewhere with Renjun since he didn’t see the other either. Jaemin, on the other hand, was still sleeping quietly in his bed, arms flailing around, blanket barely draped over his stomach and plushies scattered on the floor. Sweet Jaeminnie was never a tidy sleeper with sleeping pad turning to maximum at the beginning just for him to feel too hot and push everything else away from him in the end.

Jeno felt his heart swell from the endearing sight, so he pushed the last remaining brown plush doll to the ground and took its place, arms circled around a small waist while nose nuzzled into broad shoulder, inhaling the soft cotton scent. Jaemin was slightly awoken from sudden weight, the boy mumbled incoherent sounds while lids still heavy, but Jeno could hear his name along with quiet “why” and tiny “sleep more”.

_And God, he wanted to kiss him right then and there._

“Jaemin-ah, I’m hungry. Let’s get some food.”

“Tired. Sleep.”

“Please? Food? Food?”

Jeno’s whines went for awhile before the other turned his head to Jeno’s side, eyes fluttered open but barely, his doe eyes still glassy. Jeno felt another tug in his chest because Jaemin was _so close_ and he was _so beautiful_ and his lips were _so plump._ He just wanted the world to go quiet so that he could scream.

But instead, Jeno just hugged the boy tighter, touched their foreheads together and whispered, voice so quite it felt almost like a fever dream:

“Food? Please?”

A cackling laugh escaped Jaemin’s lips and Jeno felt hot breath fanning over his.

_So close. Just one more step. Please._

If Jaemin is oblivious, Jeno is definitely a coward.

****

“It’s been years hyung, I’m tired of watching you two danced around each other. Grow a pair and claim him already?”

“Who taught you that kind of language Chenle? And who even _claim_ a person? Is he a stray cat or something?”

“It’s written all over Twitter. There is even a genre for it. Alpha Omega and whatnot.”

 _“_ WHAT THE GODDAMN HELL DID YOU READ GIMME YOUR PHONE YOU BRAT I WILL DELETE TWITTER FROM YOURS WHAT THE…?”

“What are you guys doing?”

“JAEMIN HYUNG JENO HYUNG WANTS TO MAKE PUPPY WITH YOU!!!!”

“SHUT UPPP CHENLE I WILL CUT YOUR GODDAMN TOUNGE I DON’T CARE IF WE LOSE A SINGER HYUCK WILL MAKE UP FOR IT YOU INSOLENT BRAT!!!!!!!”

Amazed by the sheer energy Jeno and Chenle radiated from a heavy day of practice, Jaemin just sat down and watched the other two chasing each other in circles around the practice room. It’s funny really, how despite being in the same age and has the same training time, Jeno always seems like he has endless source of energy, while sometimes Jaemin feels like he lives in slow motion.

_But it sometimes makes him a little bit upset too._

“What are you zoning out about, hmm?”

Renjun moved closer to the seemingly dazed Jaemin, fingers rubbed gently on Jaemin’s wrist. _Truly ever knowing._ The latter just smiled faintly, eyeing their hyper teammates.

“You ever felt like you were drowning, Injun-ah?”

***

As much as anyone would like to believe, Na Jaemin is not as oblivious as he pretends to be. How can he not notice the lingering gaze on his skin, the subtle hands reaching for his, the hugs that seem one second too long and one degree too warm it feels almost forbidden? How can he not know, when it’s his best friend whom he spends almost all of his childhood together, the one who wakes up with him and falls asleep with him? How can he not know, when the whole world already knows it?

_Does he feel the same way? Yes, yes, he does._

He wants it, so much. Wants to kiss those lips. Those smiley eyes that crinkles every time they look at him. That sharp nose. That angular jaw. That tiny mole on his upper cheek. Want to hold him and own him and make everything about him screams “Mine! Mine! Mine!”

_He wants Lee Jeno so much it almost hurts._

But there are a million what-ifs that come with one simple kiss. A million what-ifs that always seem to hook and sink and keep one hopeless Na Jaemin deep in an ocean of doubts. What if it doesn’t work? What if he loses his best friend? What if the world doesn’t accept them?

_What if someday they realize that Na Jaemin is not talented enough, and this road will be for Lee Jeno to walk alone?_

Those what-ifs are the scariest. The what-ifs that tell him that he is not good enough, not adequate enough to play this game in the long run. The what-ifs that tells him he is not even close to Jeno and Jisung in dancing, not even close to Donghyuck and Renjun and Chenle in singing, and who are we kidding when comparing his rapping talent or writing and producing to Mark. The only thing he is good at is being good looking, but what is he when the ones next to him are Lucas and Jaehuyn and Taeyong?

_What if someday he has to leave?_

_God knows he almost did before._

_Then what would it mean for his beloved Jeno?_

_For him?_

Sometimes, he slips and lets those what ifs drown him.

***

“It’s scary for me too you know.”

The night was particularly dark that day, no moon, no stars and both of them decided not turn up any lights as always. The darkness was so thick it made the lines of Renjun’s small frame barely visible. Yet it made the secrets he told much louder.

“It’s scary how you guys were so close, you know? You guys always trained in a separate team; you knew that you would debut together in the same group. I was not like that. I had to fight my way to be where you were. And then, there were that _bonds_ that you and Jeno and Mark and Haechan and Jisung shared. The _bonds_ that nobody can match, that you grow up together, know each other inside and out, that your lives are meant to be one word – _together._ I wondered what’s left for me? What is my role in this? Even Chenle and Jisung met each other when they were practically babies. It’s like you all are fated to be, and I’m the odd one out. It’s scary sometimes. No. It’s scary all the time.”

“Injun-ah…”

“I know that you are feeling like something is wrong. Like this is not right, and the future is not certain. That everything is so scary, that one wrong move can lead us to dust, that everything we tried so hard to build can go away in an instant, that we must try _harder and harder and harder._ That even being _us,_ raw and true, is wrong. But you know what? We will survive. We will live. We will thrive. If today is bad, tomorrow has a 50% chance to be better. Hang on to that 50%. Live. Love. They said something similar to this ‘If you have something you want so badly it frightens you, it’s worth fighting for’. Love, Jaemin-ah. Love is worth fighting for.”

He didn’t know when he did it. All that Jaemin knew was that Renjun was hugging so tightly, rubbing soothing circles behind his back, saying words that he was not certain whether he would like to hear. And _tears._ They had somehow figured out a way to roll down his cheek.

“Injun-ah… What if…”

“What if Haechan leave us forever to be in 127? What if I’m not good enough to fill in his place? What if even _us_ has to break apart and I have to build everything from the beginning with another team? What if there is even _no_ _team_ left for me after Dream? So many what-ifs, Jaemin-ah. So many what-ifs. But what can I do? I am only a 20-year-old boy with nothing but a dream, hard work and a little bit of luck. We can only try our best to do what we want, Jaemin-ah. What-ifs are just what-ifs.”

_Ah, how could he not notice? The boy in his arms, he is crying too._

***

“I love you Na Jaemin.”

“More emotions. More loving. More longing. Right now it sounds like ‘I love you bro’, which means literally nothing for the Jaemin we know.”

“I love you Jaemin-ah.”

“Still not enough. Do you really want this or have I read the last 7 years wrong?”

“Dear God if everybody can see it for the last 7 years why can’t he see it too? This is stupid. No matter how I say it he will understand.”

“Yes he will understand. But he will say no.”

Donghyuck’s expression was dead serious, which was a rare occasion for a peculiar creature like him. Jeno knew then that Hyuck meant it, using the years they spent together to come up with the sole conclusion that _Jaemin will say no._

_Does this mean Jaemin doesn’t love him. At all?_

“Hey jackass don’t jump into conclusions like that. Your face seriously looks like someone punched you it’s not even funny. I don’t mean whatever you are thinking in that surprisingly tiny head of yours.”

“Then what do you mean?”

“Everyone with eyeballs knows you guys love each other, it’s not rocket science. But Jaemin has his insecurities, especially when it involves the people that he loves. You have always been his pillar of strength as he is yours, so I bet a whole chicken that our too-loving and too-much-thoughts-brain-hurts Jaemin wouldn’t want to suffer all the risks that can come with relationship. In short, he doesn’t want to lose you.”

“But he will not lose me. Never.”

“That is for you to show him. Sometimes too much love hurts too.”

_No. The truth is too much love always hurts._

_Donghyuck knows this too well._

***

“I love you hyung.”

“I love you too Haechannie.”

“I mean it hyung.”

“I mean it too Haechannie.”

“No you don’t.”

Mark chuckled quietly, pinching his cheeks while brushing whatever he said under the table for the umpteenth times. Donghyuck kept on staring at the boy he loved all his teenage years continuing his discussion on whatever topic with Johnny-hyung while the latter gave him an understanding look.

_He doesn’t even call me Donghyuck anymore._

_Does he not understand how I feel?_

Donghyuck doubts it. Mark Lee has been with him all his life, it wouldn’t be difficult for him to get how special he is to Donghyuck. This is just his ways of letting Donghyuck down without saying it straight to his face.

_Ah, love hurts like hell._

_But it’s okay. If he keeps saying it, may be one day the words will really reach him._

_One day._

_***_

There was something that Jeno never told anyone before. A secret he hides deep within his heart. A secret he holds dear, only pulling out when he is alone in his room, deep, dark and quiet. A secret that keeps him running all these years.

_His kiss with him._

It was Jaemin’s really big first stage after his return in Dubai. A stage in a foreign country and they lacked vital members – Mark and Hyuck. Jeno didn’t know what went through Jaemin’s head at the time, but he was shaking uncontrollably and refused to go on.

“I can’t do it.”

“Yes you can. We have practiced hundred times. We will be fine. You will be great.”

No matter what consolation Jeno and the Dreamies spurted out, Jaemin didn’t stop shaking. He was so zoned out, eyes unfocused and breathes heavy. While the rest decided to discuss the matter with managers, seeing if they can perform with just four or ask for help from anyone in 127, Jeno decided to drag the troubled boy to the nearby fire escape for some air.

“Tell me what’s wrong, Jaemin. Tell me. I won’t say anything so just tell me.” Jeno hugged the boy tightly in his arms, drawing soothing circles, trying to even out the battered breathing.

“What if… what if… I make… mistakes… Mark-hyung… and Haechan… are not… here… to help me… cover up… people… will notice… that… I’m not enough…”

“You are good enough. You are enough. Jaeminnie look at me. You are more than enough.”

_You are more than enough to me._

Jeno took a good, careful look at every inch of Jaemin’s face. His doe, glassy eyes, the slightly red nose, his mouth open and close, trying desperately to get some air. Jaemin couldn’t breathe. Jeno couldn’t either.

So he leaned in and kissed the lips that he desired all his life.

What took Jeno by surprise was him finding those lips moving back against his, like they had found the air they needed so much.

So they kissed. Longingly, lovingly, until they couldn’t anymore.

Until the world found them.

***

It was not a good day in Busan. It was cloudy and rainy and all their plans have turned to shits. His ideas for a romantic bike ride along the ocean coast, sightseeing around the city all turned into a fight against tiredness and soaked bodies. To say that Jeno was disappointed was an understatement. Not to mention something special that he wanted to do that could potentially change the ambiguous nature of his relationship with Jaemin to something… less ambiguous.

_No. He is gonna do it no matter what._

_No amount of rain can make him chicken out now._

Thus leading to the moment when Jeno tried his best to drag one groggy, plushie-clutching boy out of bed in the wee hour of the morning. They had another full day schedule up ahead, and if Jaemin didn’t hurry up, Jeno probably couldn’t do it at all.

“Please, Jaemin-ah, please… it’s super near here and the sunrise is super beautiful. You can take many many beautiful pictures. Please Jaemin-ah~~~”

“No. Not schedule. Sleep.”

“I will buy you the death drink later. Please? I really want to go, please dear cutie, lovely, sweetie Jaeminnie?”

A pair of arms raised up to Jeno, signaling the one in bed finally gave in to his pathetic whines. He pulled Jaemin up into sitting position, resisting the urge to scoop said boy straight into his embrace and brought him Koala-style into the bathroom to wash up.

_All of that can wait. Jeno has a whole future to hold his Jaeminnie._

While sleepy Jaemin was a bare minimum cutie, awake Jaemin was definitely much more hyper. Jeno was lucky the sunrise did not abandon him like the rest of his Busan itinerary, and watching Jaemin excitedly taking pictures of everything surely made all efforts worthwhile.

“Thank you for taking me here, Jeno-ya”

Jaemin whipped out his famous beautiful smile while turning around to take a picture of Jeno basking under the sun. Tinted glows made his skin almost radiating and they washed a soft color on his platinum blonde hair. Jeno was mesmerizing.

 _Jaemin wanted to keep this moment forever_.

_Especially those eye smiles._

_Please stay in my heart forever._

“Jaemin-ah, I have something for you. Come here.”

Jeno took Jaemin’s hand while reaching for something in his pocket. Then, a bracelet with two overlapping circles was placed on Jaemin’s wrist. A symbol of eternity.

“Jaemin, I don’t want to pretend any longer. I don’t want to ignore it as well. I love you. Not in the friendly kind of way. Not in the sibling way. Not in any other way but just simply, I love you. I love you so much. This is my bare heart, no trick, no game. You have always had my heart since the day you entered my life and it has never changed. I know it is scary. It is even more scary for people like us, so I won’t force you to say anything. You don’t have to accept my heart if you don’t want to. Just know that it’s there, for you, always. You have me. You will always have me.”

_You can continue to be oblivious. But I will no longer be a coward, my love._

_This is my heart. Take it._

***

After the accident and injury in 2016, Jaemin never intended to return. He just had a grasp of the different life between being a rookie and an idol. He spent days at the hospital, watching people on the Internet butchering Taeyong-hyung to shreds over unfounded rumors. He spent nights watching people mocking his own team, calling them pedo-baiting. He just realized that continuing the idol life means sacrificing every part of himself, every last bit of his sanity to be watched under the mega magnifying glass of the people who are more likely to not care about him. A life of pain and torture, and now he had an out.

He was going to do it. He was going to quit for real.

Management said while they were disappointed, Jaemin could continue to be SM artist under actor division. It would be a much better and healthier alternative, and he could complete his high school life, even got an university degree. He wasn’t sure which major he would pursue, but he had a whole life ahead of him. He could decide later.

Just one thing. He had to announce his decision to NCT’s members. The 127 hyungs would understand, but he was not sure about the Dreamies.

_More specifically, Jaemin wasn’t sure about one person._

_And he was right._

“No.”

“Jeno, please understand. This is what I want.”

“No.”

“Jeno! This is not the right way to deal with it. We can still be friends. I still work in actor division, we can still hang out.”

“No.”

“Jeno!!! Which part of my decision don’t you understand? This is not a decision for you to make!”

Jeno whipped his head up, glaring at Jaemin while his hands still held on to Jaemin’s tightly. And then.

_Tears._

For nearly four years of knowing each other, Jaemin had never seen Jeno in tears. Not when he had to leave home to enter a life of hardship and uncertainty. Not when teachers screamed profanity at them. Not when they debuted. Not even when they won the first music awards.

_Only now._

“How can you say it? How can you say that this is only your decision? How can you leave me like this? Do you know why I’m still here? Why I’m working this hard all day everyday? Why? Do you?!?”

_It’s only because of you._

“What am I to you, Na Jaemin?”

Lee Jeno only cries when he is angry. And for all the time he spent in SM, people have only seen him cried once. The day Na Jaemin announced he would quit NCT.

It was also the day Jaemin decided again, to stay.

_For half of his soul._

***

“Did you stop feeling scared now, Injunie?”

“What do you mean?”

“I saw you kissed Mark-hyung at the corridor.”

Silence. _What can he say now?_

“Yes. I finally feel like I belong.”

Jaemin hugged Donghyuck tightly that day.

For a braved heart.

For a broken heart.

***

It was a cold winter in January of 2020. Snow was falling everywhere, making Jisung jumping up and down excitedly. It was one of those rare quiet time that they got to enjoy among themselves after a sudden halt of schedule. Of course Jisung couldn’t spend his spare time alone, so after one call to Chenle, the boy dragged a tired Renjun to god-know-where, leaving only Jaemin and Jeno at the dorm.

And who would Jeno be, if he didn’t take advantage of that?

As he snucked into Jaemin’s room, ready to pull a bear hug on the boy, he was surprised to see Jaemin at his desk, back facing him, staring intently at a shiny necklace. _Which looked oddly similar to the bracelet on his arm._

“Jeno”

“Hmm?”

“I’m sorry I never responded.”

_What?_

“It must have been tiring, waiting for my answer like that.”

_Oh no…_

“I have my answer now. Actually, I had it for a long time.”

_Oh god no…_

“I love you. I love you Lee Jeno.”

Jeno didn’t realize he closed his eyes, waiting for the worst to happen, just to open it again and face a certain _Na Jaemin_ impossibly close to him. Jaemin put the necklace around his neck then grazed around the pendant. It was two overlapping circles. A symbol of eternity.

And who would Jeno be, if he didn’t put a kiss on the love of his life?

***

You see, after all these years, oblivious and coward, Jaemin is…

_finally_

_officially_

_His._


End file.
